Tuesday, May 27, 2014

That old black dog is sniffing around again

Winston Churchill referred to the depression he suffered from as his "black dog" like it was his companion.  In a sense, I understand where he was coming from because my depression feels like it is someone (or something) that travels with me.  I don't always sense it is there, but when it clears its throat, it can be the dominant force in my life.  I don't know how to describe it as Churchill did, but then again, I don't really think it is necessary.

How does a person turn his brain off?  Silly question on the surface, but it is a very relevant one when dealing with this topic.  Sure, depression provides sadness and other similar symptoms, but I sure wish I could get my brain to slow down.  The only comparison I can make is that it feels like when we mash the gas pedal of our car all the way to the floor, but in this case, when we take our foot off the pedal, nothing slows down.  This is what my brain is like.  When this thing is at its worst, my brain goes faster and faster and won't stop throwing thoughts and images at me.  I won't elaborate on what those thoughts and images might be, but let's just say they range from the aggravating to the scary (it is called depression, you know).  As this throwing continues, I get more and more tired until it wears me down, and I just want to lay in bed with the covers pulled over me.

And so it goes.  I am a realist about such things.  As we get older, we all get ailments that begin to weigh us down.  If we didn't, we would live forever.  Still, this ailment is particularly frustrating because I can't really see it.  I can only feel it.  Also, it is an illness that some people treat trivially and do not accept it as an illness at all.  Even at this late date, many still equate common mental illnesses like this as a type of kookiness or craziness that is not applicable.  Even though those people frustrate me, I pray they never get this.

At some point, this flair up will recede and balance will return (I think....I hope).  Until then, all a person can do is persevere.  It's nice to have something in common with Winston Churchill.  So, I've got that going for me.....which is nice.

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